Aug, 19 2006

It’s finally here. The long awaited Neurologist appointment is today at noon. There is a part of me that’s dreading this appointment. I’m expecting more of the same, “gotta do more tests” or” there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s stress”, or the always appreciated, “it’s all in your head” kind of answers. I find myself doubtful that my primary care dr even sent my MRI results over. It’s likely to be, “well, I haven’t seen the MRI, let me order another one and a spinal tap and .. and.. and.. ” I’m not looking forward to that.

I need answers, not more run around. Doctors and hospitals have been giving me the run around for 6 years… .I’m tired of that. I want to know what’s wrong, and what I can do about it, if anything..

I haven’t’ been posting much because, quite simply, nothing has changed. My symptoms are the same.. occasional dizziness, word confusion.. yesterday I had a hard time typing.. kept typing the wrong words, balance problems, and of course the wonderful vision problems. I’ve had to quit driving until I get new glasses. I simply can’t judge distance or see well enough to drive. I feel like I’m being a burden to my family because my partner has to take time off work to pick up my high school student from school, and take me to my doctor appointments. It’s a pain, but I dont know what else to do.. I would never forgive myself if I got dizzy while driving and hit someone. So – I just don’t drive. With 6 kids in the car with me, it’s just too much of a risk.

Luckily, my partner is supportive and helpful.

This dr appt today scares the hell out of me. On one hand, I don’t’ want to hear that yeah, I definitely have M.S. on the other hand, I need answers. I need to know why these oddball things are happening to my body. I feel like such a freak sometimes.. like somehow I should be able to control it. I’ve even wondered if maybe on some deep level I’m just mentally ill and doing these things to myself. I shouldn’t HAVE muscle spasms.. shouldn’t have trouble seeing or typing or talking… my arm shouldn’t BE numb in places… but all these things happen with increasing regularity.

We’ll see what the dr has to say. I keep hoping that writing about it will make me feel better, worry less. It’s not working.

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